


How Loki Became a Parent (Thrice, and Then One More Time)

by Juuzous_Mother



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Norse Mythology
Genre: Crack, I don't fucking know what I'm doing, Loki is Karkat (but not really), Other, everyone is on fucking crack, i kinda blended MARVEL and actual lore, k i n d a, lmao i wrote this a year ago in history class
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-19 12:10:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5966992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juuzous_Mother/pseuds/Juuzous_Mother
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of how Marvel’s Loki got his children. Terribly OOC, and basically just a crack!fic.<br/>This is what I’m doing with my life, apparently.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jormundgand(r)

**Author's Note:**

> This snake asshole's name is spelt so many different ways and I will F I G H T

It was fucking cold.

That was the first thing Loki noticed, and he was a gods-damned _frost giant_.

And, of course, Loki blamed Thor and his stupid ideas for his freezing Jotun ass.

“Oh, Loki, I have an idea! Why don’t you go down to Midgard and learn about the place,” Loki said mockingly, lowering his voice by a helluva lot. “Learn about the mortals and their morals! Maybe then you’ll realize what you’ve done is wrong!”

Voice once again normal, he carried on, spite lacing his voice. “FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR STUPID IDEAS, THOR!”

Thunder rumbled, and lightning flashed. Which was odd, considering it was a perfectly clear night in the _middle of fucking nowhere_.

“Stupid God of Thunder and stupid ability to know when someone fucking calls on his name.” Loki grumbled, kicking at a leaf in front of him.

He didn’t know what to do. Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between/outside, Loki, God of Mischief and Lies, is fucking clueless.

To be fair though, there wasn’t much Loki _could_ do. I mean, he tried to take over the planet and led an alien invasion that almost wiped Manhattan off the map, so it’s not like he could just go to some random hotel. _Oh, yeah, hi, it’s me, Loki, you know, the crazy god who tried to make himself king of this stupid fucking rock? I need a room for an indefinite period of time, thanks._

“Well,” Loki sighed to himself, “I could always go to Stark’s.”

That is, assuming his tower was still there. And assuming that he didn’t get noticed before then. And assuming that Widow woman didn’t kill him on sight.

Ok, this is gonna be hard.

And then, to make matters worse, Loki tripped. He fucking _tripped_ , over a fucking _branch_ . And he fell into a _hole_.

 _Uh_ , Loki thought after about a minute of falling, _shouldn’t I have landed yet? Oh, god, this is like that one Midgardian tale Thor wouldn’t shut up about, the one with the stupid girl who thought it would be a good idea to follow a fucking rabbit._

It was then Loki landed. Hard. On the bare ground.

“Oh, come on,” Loki groaned. “This is payback, isn’t it? You flirt with a Norn _once_ , forget about her, and then she makes your life shit. This is my punishment, isn’t it? WELL IT WAS JUST FLIRTING, LADY! IT MEANT NOTHING!”

A rock landed on his head.

“FUCK!”

“Who’sss there?” A hissing voice questioned. Was that snakeish? It was snakeish.

“Loki,” came his response. (Which was also in snakeish, just in case you were wondering. )

“What are you doing here, Loki?”

“I fell,” came his simple reply. “How elssse would I have gotten here?”

“I don’t know,” the voice replied. “Magic?”

“Nope,” Loki replied. “I couldn’t have gotten here with magic. I had no idea how deep thisss hole wasss.” He paused. “Well, until I hit the bottom. What’sss your name?”

“Jormungandr.”

Oh fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck. He was stuck in a hole with the _fucking Midgard serpent._

“Oh,” Loki squeaked.

“Hey,” Jormungandr started. “Have you ssseen my mom?”

“What? No.”

“Huh,” Jorma--Jormund-- Fuck it, _Jorm_ said blankly. “Ssshe’sss been gone for a while.”

“How old even are you?”

“Like, two hundred.”

“Okay,” Loki said, turning so that he was laying on his back rather than his chest, “Let me get thisss ssstraight. _You’re_ the Midgardian Ssserpent, correct?”

“Yesss,”

“And you’re only two hundred?”

“Yesss.”

“Okay then,” Loki said, completely done. “That’sss cool, I guessssss.”

There were a few minutes of silence. Loki was just looking up, staring at the barely-visible stars twinkling overhead, whilst Jorm was contemplating something. What was that something the snake was contemplating? Calm your impatient ass down and you’ll see. Jesus.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Si--

“Hey, I know!” Jorm said, sounding unreasonably chipper, given the circumstances. “You can be my new mother!”

“Father, right now,” Loki corrected automatically. Then, he realized what he just said. “Wait, n--”

“Okay! You can be my father!”

“I really don’t think--”

“Come on, father! Let’sss get out of here.”

“You can leave?” Loki blanched.

“Yeah,” Jorm would have shrugged. You know. If he had shoulders. “I was jussst waiting for my mom to come back. I don’t think ssshe is though, and I’ve known that for a while.”

“Then why haven’t you left yet?”

“...I didn’t want to be alone up there. Before ssshe left, my mother told me talesss of ruthlessssss sssky-godsss, Thor and Odin, who would kill anything they pleasssed.”

“Well,” Loki started. “You’re not wrong about Odin. Thor, however-- I cannot deny he wasss once like that, though he isss much changed.”

“You know them?” Jorm asssked-- I mean, _asked_ \-- voice now somewhat hesitant.

“You could sssay that.” A pause. “I mean, I grew up with Thor. He’sss my adopted…. brother, I guessssssss. And Odin’sss the one who adopted me, though he’sss pretty much an assssssshole.”

“You’re not sssupposssed to  ssswear in front of me.” Jorm reminded his new father passssssively. “Sssetsss a bad example.”

“Do I honesssstly look like I give a fuck?”

“No.”

“Good. Becaussse I don’t. Now, what were you sssaying about getting out of here?”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Jorm find a girl in the middle of a clearing. It doesn't go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi i haven't been killed i'm just ded bc of AP classes lol

Jorm and Loki were wondering through the forest still. I mean, it had been an hour already, shouldn’t they have wandered upon a town by now?   
_Where the fuck even are we?_ Loki thought to himself, a pissed expression locked on his face. _Oh, gods, please don’t say Scandinavia. That’s too much._  
 _(They were in Scandinavia.)_  
And, there in the middle of a little Twilight-esque clearing (not that Loki had watched Twilight. I mean, that would definitely never happen and he most certainly was not Team Edward--)  
Ahem. Loki. Shut the fuck up. I’m trying to tell your story.  
Anyway.  
There, in the middle of the clearing, was a little girl.   
“Well ssshit,” Loki observed.  
“What?” Jorm hissed questioningly.  
“The girl?” It came out as a question. It wasn’t supposed to come out as a question, or maybe it was, because at this point Loki wasn’t sure if he or _the world_ was slowly getting more insane. It was probably both.  
“Oh, yesss, her.”  
Thank Frigga. Loki wasn’t slipping further into crazy town.  
“Ssshould we help her?” Loki asked.  
Jorm scrunched a part of his tail up in what might resemble a shrug. “I don’t know.”  
Loki sighed.   
So, okay. Loki didn’t want to talk to random strangers. He didn’t have time. He just wanted to go back up to Asgard and escape from prison again, which really isn’t too much to ask. He doesn’t need to help this girl.  
But…  
If Thor saw him help a poor, helpless human, he might bring Loki back. Loki wouldn’t have to deal with fucking Midgard again. He could be free of this wretched place, and he could leave all of this behind (except for Jorm, though that was really only because having the Midgard Serpent as a pet would really freak Thor out, and definitely not because Loki was already a little [lot] attached to the kid. Snake. Whatever.)  
So Loki strolled up to the child. Because it was logical. _Definitely not_ because the little girl was probably scared and alone. Because that would imply Loki was going soft. Which he wasn’t. At all. Ahem.  
“Are… you alright?”  
The girl faced him, and Loki bit back a yelp.   
She was _half fucking skeleton_.  
“Nope. No way. I’m out, I did not sssign up for thisss.” Jorm started to slither away, but Loki put his foot down. Literally. He set his foot down on Jorm. A+ parenting skills, he learned from the best.  
“What is your name?” Loki asked.  
“I’m Hel.”  
Oh, fucking great. Perfect. The ruler of Hel. Fan-fucking-tastic. This was just what Loki needed.  
“Oh. Uhm. Hi. I’m--”  
“Loki. I know. And that is the Midgard Serpent.” Hel studied Jorm carefully. “I thought you’d be bigger.”  
“I will be.” Jorm replied (wait, he knew English the whole time? Bastard).  
“Aren’t you supposed to be wrapped around all of the Realms’ oceans?”  
Jorm hissed at her. “I will be.”  
Hel shrugged. “It makes no difference to me. As long as you can spit poison at Thor, your size and location really doesn’t matter.”  
Jorm wriggled. “You really think so?”  
Hel shrugged again. “Why not? I only look twelve, and yet I collect and rule over the souls of the sick and the old.”  
“ALRIGHT,” Loki said, and Hel chortled at the way he voice cracked. “Well, anyway, if you’re quite alright--”  
“Oh, but I’m not,” Hel interrupted. “Garmr was supposed to take me to collect damned souls, but he ran off.”  
“Oh. Uhm.”  
“I think he died,” Hel shrugged. “Well, for now. He should be back in a few hundred years. Just in time for Ragnarok, actually.”  
“You know when Ragnarok is?” Jorm’s voice was filled with wonder.   
“So do you,” Hel’s mouth quirked up in a ghost of a smile. “You just have to look.”  
“Eh.” Jorm said noncommittally.   
“Well, uhm,” Loki sighed. “I guess… if you’re really stranded out here… I suppose… You could come with us?”  
Hel stood suddenly. “Alright. Where are we going?”  
“Manhattan,” Loki replied. “Stark Towers.”  
“It’s Avengers Tower now,” Hel corrected. “And how do you expect to get here? We’re in Norway.”  
“Of course,” Loki muttered under his breath. “Of fucking course.” He sighed. “Well, now that I know where we are… We can hop to Iceland and then to New York.”  
“Sounds like a plan.”   
“Grab onto me,” Loki instructed. “And whatever you do, don’t let go.”  
He grabbed Hel’s hand as Jorm wound up his leg.   
In three… two…   
Now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hel's my fav lmao and it's not JUST bc she unnerves Loki

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't supposed to be serious. I don't mean to offend anyone by writing this. It's just the product of little sleep and not writing an essay.  
> Funnily enough, that's the same exact reason I'm P O S T I N G it.


End file.
